Worth
Why does anything have to matter, why do people care so much. Why do I have to think something matters. Why do other people matter to me so much. Why do I want to hurt them so badly. Why does everything scream for my attention. Why do I have to eat. Why do I have to shower, why do I have to do anything. If ultimately I do not care about what matters then why do I fixate on people.
Although I care about, let's say a person. I do not care enough to ask. I do not care enough to answer thoughtfully. But not to care is to care then how does that make sense. I literally know nothing and I think I rely on people to know something.
To me, people are my world. I do not know how to give meaning to the things around me by myself. That's the concept of a caregiver, to give you meaning and ideas of the things around you. Teaching concepts of meaning, the world and what everything is during your childhood. I sometimes wonder what happens if someone grew up alone.. Would pain be your only teacher? I don't like that.
Sometimes I like punishing people because I like that they would learn from pain. I like that someone would change because of what I did. I like that. I hate everyone but I love them because they are my reality. They are why I live currently. Because they've existed since I was born, I can't imagine my life without them from the beginning. I really like life, that's probably I've never had pain inflicted upon me. I don't understand human loss because that rarely happened to me. I want to kill someone and see what happens. Will I lose another reality?
People affect other's future with more impact than objects: That's what I learnt.. Can objects change your life if nobody or yourself gave meaning to them? I've always been curious what is there to life without pain and people. I like to inflict pain on people and see their reaction.
People are unpredictable. People from unpredictable environments are more unpredictable. We like to think they're predictable. They're predictable because we have to live in a society.
I want to see someone drowning slowly legs first in a vat of acid and see my own reaction as I watch someone's life disappear gradually, and I tell myself "That's me, that's going to happen to me.".. That's pretty terrifying, only because I told myself to be more empathic and worked on it.
We often take it for granted the empathy people have, the society we built. I would kill you if I could've and watched you die in pain.
Lately there's been someone who motivated me to write these articles. The fact he still wrote them when nobody was reading. That's pretty impressive. I'd like to look back on who I was before too. Although that was my thought too when I wrote my first blog. He reinforced that motivation on me.
You only have more empathy when you see the impact. That's pretty obvious but it's not always true.
One day I'm going to murder someone. I'm going to cry. And I'm going to watch them.
What happens when you break someone to their limit? Can I break myself to the limit?
I'm fucking stupid. Stupid fucking bitch.