Giving up your consciousness,
Has there ever been a time where you gave up your opinion for the better? I can't ever imagine doing the same with your belief and values. It's just too painful to change when you've been doing the same and you're fine.
Boarding school has been killing me, slowly and eating my organs and nutrients. I can't seem to handle 5 days of eating consistently in a place unrelated to home and family. Dropping to under 40 kilograms has been the worst of staying elsewhere. Thankfully, since I can't seem to weigh myself, I didn't know how light I was.
The first evening, my head wanted to fall, my legs wanted to give up and my stomach wanted to vomit. The last day, life seemed meaningless and I slept until afternoon. For the last few days I had to be woken up.
The thing is, it wasn't a boarding school. It was a Christian themed rehab house. It was never then explained to me properly my purpose of being in a Christian rehab that had a school and my beliefs were tested and provoked. Apparently according to the Christians, it wasn't okay to have any form of negative emotions, that negative emotions do not represent how you are currently feel and think. It was contradicting to my ideology. And when they restraint my hands from my arms I started to feel stressed.
The rule is to never forget that others will never understand your point of view, but I forgot and became quite irrational. I spoke more than I should've and threw a teenage tantrum.
My arms are stinging, the clouds are forming and the night has went by and I have went to bed crying and starving after I had gulf down a cup of water. At the end of the day I was never happy. And there wasn't a moment where I wasn't comfortable with a empty nor full stomach.
Would believing in Jesus Christ rid of your individuality? As they say, they let Jesus "take over their body", doing what Jesus wants them to do.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm crazy or I'm crazy. There seemed no room for an Atheist like me, for every night they sing a worship the name Christ. In his name, they sing. In his name they pray, in his name they begin their meals.
There doesn't seem to be a single time his name wasn't spoken. And I was watched 24/7 (Quite literally 24/7) in this house, bigger than any average house in Hong Kong. With the staircase, I start to dread going down. Eating, and interacting with the "Duty" (Basically my "caretaker" of the day) At what point does boarding school collide with "hospital ward", I do not know.
Away, away. I start to dread getting out the shower, I start to dread waking up, I start to dread the outside, I start to dread sleeping and starting the next day.